


Sincerely,

by deuxcember



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25952098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deuxcember/pseuds/deuxcember
Summary: Out of all people, Taeyang was the one who found Sanghyuk alone in the dark.
Relationships: Lee Sanghyuk | Dawon/Yoo Taeyang
Comments: 17
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

It was one o'clock in the morning and raining heavily outside the dorm.

The boys were lucky they decided to end dance practice a few hours early —thanks to the rational mind of Youngbin who learned the bad way that it's simply unwise to be sleep-deprived a day before comeback stage— otherwise the nine of them would be queueing in front of the bathrooms right now, drenched in rainwater and gritting their teeth from the fall wind.

Taeyang was, as always, the last to step out of the shower. The rest of the members seemed to have gone straight to bed. The lights in both the kitchen and living room have been turned off, leaving the boy wandering the space while toweling his wet hair alone in the dark.

Or so he thought. 

Taeyang wasn't afraid of thunders, nor did he get startled by them like a few of his scaredy-cat members would. But this time, right after a flash of thunder hits... 

He heard a sob.

Taeyang winced, trying to make sense of where the sound was coming. The sound of the rain continued hammering through the windows, and he could barely make out anything amidst the shadows of the room.

But he did. 

At the corner of the living room, leaning at the wall with their legs hugged closely to their chest, is someone Taeyang would never expect to come upon this way. 

"Hyung?"

Sanghyuk flinched at the shaky yet familiar voice, his first instinct was to grab the object that was supposed to be his only companion until the person standing before him came. 

And that was when Taeyang saw what the older was hiding— a half down bottle of vodka. 

"Dawon-hyung? Are you okay?" Taeyang crouched himself to the floor near him, worry and confusion strewn all over his face. His legs were trembling from the scary and unfamiliar sight, but he couldn't care less. No one, and especially not one of his members deserves to be left alone in a state like that. 

"I-I thought everyone's sleeping," Sanghyuk chuckled as he lifted an arm to wipe the corner of his eyes, red and exhausted even under the shadows. "I'm fine, I'm— _fuck_."

Taeyang stared at him from a feet away, his body frozen. They were all fine and together a few hours ago. _Sanghyuk_ was laughing a few hours ago. What could have happened? 

They sat there in silence. The rain slowly got calmer and the thunders stopped, but Taeyang didn't notice them. He didn't move nor he dared to say anything. 

Taeyang knew he and the older had never been the closest of friends. He cared for him as a fellow group partner and vice versa, but to have frequent deep conversations and a night out with just the two of them? Not even close. 

And yet, out of all people, he had to be the one to see Lee Sanghyuk like this. 

Not their leader, not Inseong, not even Seokwoo who constantly involved himself with others' personal problems— but him. 

What was he going to do? Give him a hug out of sympathy? Offer to listen to whatever was bothering him? Would he bother opening up to Taeyang, who was undoubtedly just a casual group mate who stumbled upon his vulnerability at the wrong time? 

"What happened to you?" 

At last, Taeyang didn't care if the older didn't want his presence. He couldn't have done nothing at all... He had to help him. 

Sanghyuk didn't answer. His gaze wandered across the room, as if the darkness itself gave a meaning to him. Taeyang waited, the fingers on his grasp slowly slipped out of the tension as he observed the figure in front of him. 

Then, Sanghyuk opened his mouth.

"Do you think I should go to hell?" 

Taeyang's breathing stopped. Seemingly having seen the terrified look on the younger's eyes, Sanghyuk chuckled. 

"I see. I know. Maybe I should just disappear tomorrow—" 

"What are you talking about?!" Taeyang rose to his knees, gripping Sanghyuk's arms in an attempt to shake him back to his senses. "Hyung, what happened? Did someone say anything to you?" 

"No, no, it's true. God hates me. He will hate you too if you're too close to me."

Taeyang was scared. He didn't know what to do, he didn't even know if he was staring into the boy that would playfully tease him in every show their band went to. The same boy he realized had made many attempts to get to know him better as a friend, yet he was always too timid to comply with. 

"Fuck, you don't usually drink this much. How did you become like this, Hyung?" Taeyang forcefully ripped the bottle from Sanghyuk's grip and dropped it to the ground with exasperation. "Tell me, please."

The older didn't respond, his gaze tear-stricken and empty. Taeyang grabbed his hair in frustration as he tried to piece together what happened that night himself. 

They were practicing right after schedule that day, Sanghyuk included. After three hours, Youngbin decided it was time to rest and prepare for tomorrow. The sky was cloudy and thunder was rumbling, all nine of them headed back to the dorm while chatting about Chanhee's new acting role on the way... 

"It was a matter of time. I knew someone would find out." Sanghyuk finally spoke, yet his words still couldn't form a meaning. 

"Who is it? What did they find out, Hyung?" 

All of a sudden, Taeyang remembered. 

While everyone was either watching TV or getting ready for bed, Sanghyuk had excused himself to go outside. He had an important call, he said. 

And yet, no one had seen him return.

"It was my dad."

Taeyang's pupils widen. This time, their eyes met. 

And he saw it. 

A flash of wound, deeper than he had ever seen in the older's eyes before. 

"He said faggots burn in hell."


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a few days since Taeyang had last spoken with Sanghyuk that night. 

Unless you count the number of occasions where one told the other to pass a cup of water or where one called the other's name to give him his microphone, the two of them had been dead silent with each other.

Even as Taeyang —who was chatting with his roommate and self-proclaimed best friend in the group– noticed Sanghyuk walking around the practice room with a bag of shrimp crackers to share, he couldn't turn his head to face him.

It wasn't because he judged him. It wasn't due to the fact that Dawon of SF9 was attracted to men. 

It was the fact that Taeyang had accidentally become the first and only person to know in their group that choked him.

"You want one, Taeyang-ah?" 

The sudden question from the older made Taeyang's gaze flick to Youngkyun, who was already munching on his third cracker with his usual bored expression. 

_How can he be so nonchalant when Sanghyuk is standing right next to him?_

Even after a while, Taeyang still couldn't fully grasp the fact that no one else but him knew of Sanghyuk's secret. 

Why him? Why did he have to take the burden of knowing? Why did he have to spend his nights sleepless, wondering about what consequences it could have to their group if the news gets out? 

Why did he have to be the one to find out? 

"No."

The answer came out brief and cold, and Taeyang had only noticed what impression it gave away as he saw Sanghyuk's grip tensed on the foil bag, his friendly demeanor suddenly dropped to the floor beneath him. Sensing something unusual than the two's typical awkward encounter, Youngkyun tried to step in. 

"Whoa, Taeyang-hyung. Are you in a bad mood?" Youngkyun tapped his hand on his roommate's leg playfully, glancing between him and Sanghyuk who had barely moved from his spot after Taeyang's icy reply.

"That's okay. I won't bother you, then." Sanghyuk suddenly replied as he got up to his full height. Taeyang couldn't help but look at him now, the weight of his insensitive answer sinking deeper and deeper in his chest. 

He was smiling. 

And yet, anyone who knew Lee Sanghyuk could see that it didn't quite reach his eyes. 

Taeyang watched as Sanghyuk stomped away to the other side of the room, where the eldest members liked to hang out. He could hear Youngkyun calling at him and even lightly pinching his shoulder, but all his thoughts would only circle around the boy he saw crying alone that night. 

Taeyang saw as he plopped down beside Jaeyoon, who cheerfully clapped him on the back while stealing cheeky glances at his back.

At Taeyang.

And as they spoke with each other, Taeyang could hear every word as if he was standing right next to them. 

"What's new with you and Taeyangie, huh?" Teased Jaeyoon. 

As if it was the funniest thing in the world, Youngbin added. "You looked like a couple going through a breakup, haha!" 

Taeyang couldn't see what Sanghyuk looked like right then. He couldn't feel what he felt. He didn't know what he should do. 

But Taeyang knew exactly what he did to him, what his selfishness led him to believe. 

And he despised himself for it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the inconsistency in length. I might make it longer or the same for the next chapter, it depends. But either way, I'd love to hear your suggestions!


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry."

Sanghyuk turned his head towards the only other person inside the waiting room. His right hand was holding a water bottle right under the dispenser, and as he realized who exactly had spoken— he didn't notice the excess water dripping into his arms as well as his sleeve. 

It was none other than Taeyang, in full stage costume and intricately styled hair that complemented his already handsome features. He was leaning his body while crossing his arms on one side of the door, yet his posture still looked somehow tense and brimming with nervousness. 

"Hey." Sanghyuk replied in a casual voice, removing his bottle from the dispenser. He finally turned his body towards the younger, lightly biting his bottom lip— bracing himself for whatever was about to happen. 

"For what?" Sanghyuk asked, clearly knowing full well what Taeyang had meant. His gesture was unreadable, and it didn't at all help settle the younger's nerves. 

Taeyang took a deep breath and sighed just as heavily. This wasn't an easy thing to do. 

In fact, it took him an entire night of sitting up on his bed, silent tears dripping down and drying on his cheeks, pondering on how he could have let his ego take over his conscience— and thus, hurting the boy who deserved it the least. 

It wasn't Taeyang who had been hurt. It wasn't himself who had the worst luck of exposing his vulnerability in front of someone who was too selfish to be kind. And now, it was as if he could understand the pain Sanghyuk had to go through— all because of Taeyang himself. 

But as he lifted his eyes to meet Sanghyuk's, who greeted him with a warm twinkle that masked the dark circles under them... 

He realized that he might not understand him at all. 

"For..." Taeyang staggered, startled at the small yet prominent detail he had just witnessed. Sanghyuk was watching him patiently, attentively, with no trace of ill manner. As if Taeyang never did what he had done. As if he didn't turn his back away when Sanghyuk needed it the most. 

"For?" Sanghyuk asked again, his expression in no hurry to move on from whatever the younger was hesitant to say. 

"God, Lee Dawon." Taeyang hissed frustratedly, tears beginning to well up again that it hurt. "Why are you acting so kind to me?" 

"Aren't I always?" Sanghyuk opened the cap of his water bottle, slowly sipping its content without glancing ever so slightly at the boy gaping at him. 

"I hurt you _,_ Hyung. I was too selfish to be there for you."

Taeyang struggled to piece his words together. He couldn't even begin to digest Sanghyuk's utterly unexpected reaction. The older was walking towards the nearest counter before putting down his drink, as if the two of them were simply having a conversation about work.

"You didn't do anything."

"Hyung," Taeyang approached him warily, stopping at about two feet when he noticed the older's gaze fixed on him as he rested his hands into the pockets of his trousers. 

"Let's gather with the others." 

Taeyang couldn't understand it. Had he already forgiven him? Did he really not know what Taeyang meant with his apology? Which part of Sanghyuk was dense enough to not be able to see Taeyang's sincere emotions toward him? 

"You're avoiding the truth, are you?" 

"Come on, Taeyang. We need to regroup with the others." 

Taeyang shook his head, stepping forward before reaching his arm to grab Sanghyuk's when he felt a light slap on it. 

"Let's make Fantasy happy, alright?" Sanghyuk said, his face mere inches from the younger's. Even in the close proximity, Taeyang still couldn't grasp what Sanghyuk's eyes meant as they burned at his.

And even though the other didn't utter a word, Taeyang could see the intensity behind his eyes slowly eating his heart out. 

"Go. We have a schedule to do." 

Without a care in the world, Sanghyuk walked past Taeyang, his strong shoulders brushing past the younger's in the cramped space. He didn't look back once, nor did his expression show any resentment towards him. 

And it was then, when Taeyang finally understood him. 

_He wanted to forget everything._

_He wanted to act like nothing happened._

_He didn't want to accept himself._

_All because the person who was closest to him at the moment couldn't._

And for however difficult that might be, Taeyang was determined to fix what he had broken. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made some small changes to the 3rd chapter since it wasn't progressing how I wanted it to. Would appreciate it if you'd reread before going on to this chapter!

"Thank you for sitting down with us for this interview!"

A cacophony of "yes" and "of course" hummed across the relatively small yet sophisticated studio, hosting the boys right after their music show performance. The setting was the same as any other; a group interview with the nine of them seated in two rows in a random arrangement. This time, Taeyang had the best luck of sitting right in front of the camera, where it's guaranteed he wouldn't be able to sneak a glance at another member without being very obvious— or in Taeyang's case, being a little awkward. 

_"I heard this isn't a normal interview," Youngbin's voice echoed in the waiting room, the mention of_ unusual _instantly gaining the attention of all his team members._

_"Don't scare us, Hyung. What is it about?" Jaeyoon asked._

_"You know when they usually just ask about our comeback, us to do challenges and stuff? I heard they're going for personal questions this time."_

_"Like Youngbin-hyung's love life?" Juho clapped Youngbin's shoulders from the back, his face donning a mischievous grin._

_"Are you trying to mock me, Juho?" The leader turned towards the giggling younger before playfully slapping his back._

_"I don't think they would ask that. Maybe something like our Billboard group interview last time."_

_"Life is so beautiful? I liked that one." Seokwoo replied, intrigue written across his smile. "We got to talk about our opinions and not just the things already rehearsed."_

_"For me, I like anything. I'm not a picky guy," Inseong added, before Chanhee —who was very intently playing a mobile game on the sofa— swung his leg to knock the oldest._

_"Inseong-hyung lies all the time so it doesn't matter."_

"Yah _, why did you kick Hyung's butt!"_

_As laughter erupted in the waiting room followed by more of the members' anecdotes, Taeyang did his best to laugh along and try to respond to the jokes as much as he could—_

_—While trying his best to keep his mind from wandering back to Sanghyuk, who had been slouching on a loveseat at the corner of the room, sleeping with his arms crossed and airpods on._

And now that they've finally been called inside the studio, Taeyang's anxiety went over the roof. 

_He was faking asleep— He got up immediately after the staff called us. Was it something I said?_

_Stupid. It was definitely what I said. He was in an okay mood this morning and I just had to think it was the best time to confront him and apologize, and now I brought his mood down again._

_Shit, Yoo Taeyang. Everything you do is only making things worse than they are..._

"We want to start off with questions your fans would be the most curious about," the female interviewer spoke in a warm yet outspoken tone, instantly bringing Taeyang back to reality where the large lens of a camera was staring back at him from a few feet away. 

_This isn't the time. Just focus on the interview..._ He repeated to himself, forcing a relaxed expression. 

"Tell us, what is the meaning of love to you?" 

The boys were silent for a few seconds. Either from surprise or their minds hastily finding a reprehensible answer to the question, their eyes scanned each member until they land on the person graced to be the first to hold the microphone. 

"I, um..." Jaeyoon stuttered, seeking a glance towards Inseong beside him, who shot his friend a quick thumbs up.

"I think... Love is when you would do anything for the sake of someone."

"Or something?" Inseong added in a lower voice, which Jaeyoon replied with a nod. 

"Love is what makes you do a lot of things, that's what I feel." 

The microphone found its way around the circle, stopping at a few or more peculiar answers from the members until it was Sanghyuk's turn. Taeyang didn't dare look at his back once, but he knew the older was sitting right behind his seat. And no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that he was as eager to hear Sanghyuk's answer as everyone else's— one gulp down his throat was enough to prove otherwise. 

"Love is eating delicious food."

_Of course._

What was Taeyang expecting out of Sanghyuk— no, Dawon's answer? 

"That's an interesting kind of love!" The interviewer appraised him, followed by a couple jeers from the rest of Sanghyuk's audiences. 

"Forgive me for going off-topic with your answer, Dawon-ssi... But now comes the fans' favorite question," said the interviewer with a smile. "What's your ideal type of woman to date?" 

Taeyang bit the inside of his lips. He wasn't a fan of these kind of questions. 

"Let's start from the reverse order. Youngbin-ssi?" 

Taeyang's eyes continued staring at the camera, but his mind was drifting further elsewhere. 

_Love doesn't need an ideal type. No one chooses when and who to fall in love with. Rather than a beautiful and kindhearted woman, isn't love by itself just enough?_

_If it were so... Then no one would have to fear to love._

He _wouldn't have to fear to love._

"Taeyang-ssi? What is your ideal girl like?"

Taeyang didn't realize the members were staring at him —spacing out for a few good seconds— until Chanhee nudged his shoulder with the microphone in his hand. He snapped back to reality, his heart beating increasingly fast with every flick of his pupil. 

"It's my turn?" Taeyang wouldn't have thought that he would ask such a stupid question if not because of the nervousness gutting at his throat. 

The youngest raised an eyebrow at his question before chuckling and placing the mic on Taeyang's grasp. 

It was a simple question, one he had answered multiple times. Each answer changing slightly from the previous, but it mattered little as he said what others wanted to hear from him. A question he never knew the answer for himself, one he disregarded as a false dream for those out of their reach. 

But this time, an urge built up inside him. A chance to break free from the unseen prison holding him captive of his own thoughts. A desire to show, to comfort, to make amends with the guilt that haunted him for nights and beyond. 

A thought out of love that he needed to convey. 

"To be honest, I don't know what my ideal type is."

Taeyang kept hold of the microphone firmly, but all he could feel was ease. A simple answer— yet he no longer felt tightness dwelling in his chest. The frantic beating of his heart slowly resting, as if he was baring his soul for the world to see. For the people closest to him to know. 

"I don't know what they look like, or what kind of personality they have. For me, love happens when your heart tells you to fall for them."

A serene quietness ensued in the studio, as everyone hearkened to his sincerity without much mental comment. At last, Taeyang took a breath and uttered the words that he knew had always been with him without his own realization. 

"That's why love, for anyone, shouldn't be limited to an ideal type... or a girl for that matter."

His gaze remained narrowed on the camera, yet his peripheral vision was enough to let him know in a second.

Seokwoo's gentle smile at him, Chanhee's glaring eyes as he cocked his head forward, Youngkyun's face frozen in a startled expression, a glimpse of his leader raising a hand to cover his gaping mouth—

And he finally let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a while to find the best way to portray this chapter, but I am updating :")


End file.
